The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
