yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
