Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
