This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
