i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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