Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
