Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
