meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
