people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize