Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
