We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
