Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
