I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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