Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
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I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
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There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say