good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled