I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?