Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
