Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
