Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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