The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
