i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
