your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy