I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
