if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Your dad touched me again.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
