Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
