it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
