You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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