Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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