You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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