who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
