that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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