i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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