i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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