i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I think a kid would responsible me up
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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