Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
