my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
