i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
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