Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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