I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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