If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
