There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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