my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Holy shit dude........stairs
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
