Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
