I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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