At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
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