I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
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If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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