I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
