im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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