I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Who died my cat blue again?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
