Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
