where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
