soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
