just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
