He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just found a bag of teeth...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
