Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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