He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
