you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
