my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
