he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
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wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
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The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The Olympian is in my bed
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