Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
